Less of Paige

I’m still undecided about what to do with my bloggity blog over here.

There are a couple of things going on. The first is that Khalil and I are looking at a major undertaking. I’ve found in the last few months that this is one of those things that, if you can’t talk about it, you find yourself not saying anything at all. And I a little too present here to be able to fully share what we are doing and still feel comfortable. It’s huge, and scary, and exciting. But I can’t really share, because it also involves someone else’s personal information.

The other thing is that I have not had much else to say.

And lastly… well, the truth is I’ve been having a hard time. I work, and then come home, and the only thing I want to do when I am home is lay on our pretty new couches. I don’t want to check my e-mail, or check my other blogs, and least of all blog. I’m very much wanting to escape the world. I am coming into a hard time. February has been hard because almost every day this month I have been trying to remember- or not remember, depending on the day- what I was doing this time last year. I expect March to be much of the same.

I want to talk about it, but to talk about it means to face it. Which is something I do not want to do. I am fully aware that I need to, and that I need to walk through it. One of the best ways for me to work out my grief is by writing about it. But that also makes me cry.

I don’t want to give up blogging altogether. I like writing, and I like that it also keeps me connected to the friends that I know in real life that read, and the friends that I have “met” through this medium.

I don’t know where to go from here, necessarily. I know that something has to change, if I’m going to keep blogging, I’m just not sure what. So I’m sorry for those of you  (jenn) who keep refreshing and those of you (shannon) who check their e-mail for updates. I’ll figure it out.

So. I didn’t say anything, for good reason, but I was going to do Blog 365. I didn’t say anything because my goal was to go a month of daily blogging (January) and then join and tell folks. But then I only made it 18 days, then it was 10 more days and a comment from my sister before I remembered… I have a blog?

The visit from Caleb and Ellie was wonderful. No surprise, I cried when they left. I love our apartment, I love my life with my husband and cat. I even love the quiet. But when they leave, it just feels too quiet. Too, too quiet. So I was sad.

I have some good pictures, but to be honest I bent a pin in my memory card slot and am very upset about it. I still have a working camera, but have barely picked it up because I’m so upset with myself for minorly damaging part of my camera. I couldn’t figure out how to get the memory card in (was I tired? deranged? I do not know.) and so I tried it all different ways and VOILA! bent pin. I had to work hard not to cry but there were three children here and it just wasn’t the time.

So. Pictures will come. Ha ha. Maybe after Christmas pictures, or something. I don’t know.

I’m in a weird place. There’s tons going on and yet nothing at all. I don’t really want to yammer on about my weight, or my issues around food, because I feel like- what else can I say? I hate to exercise and have a hard time getting the eating under control. What more is there to say?

So. Silence. I don’t like the silence though, because blogging is therapeutic. And I need to do those kinds of things.

These two rugrats are coming tomorrow, for the weekend! We can’t wait.

This rugrat is equally excited:

From Oceans Eleven:

Danny, to Tess, about Terry:

“Does he make you laugh?:

Tess, in response:

“He doesn’t make me cry.”

When you go work at a place, and there’s a gym there, that you don’t have to pay to join, and you can work out on your lunch hour?

There’s really no excuse for not exercising.

Today I did. 20 minutes on the elliptical (previously known in these parts as the elliptihell, but I’m trying to stay positive here). I went to go do some “ab work” ha ha ha. I laid down on the ground, stayed there for a few minutes, and decided that getting up from that position was enough ab work. To be fair *cough, cough* I did just do yogalates last night, and my ab muscles are still screaming. Less insistently than they did last week, but still. Screaming.

I’m pretty proud. The eating, it is getting there, especially during the week. Weekends, as always, are where my biggest challenges lie. (weekends, and right after I get home from work.)

I’m just taking it one decision at a time. A friend of mine who has been around this block a few times had suggested that a long time ago, before I was ready to hear it. I was all about losing huge amounts of weight, and she told me to take it one choice at a time. Try to eat healthy for lunch, if you want to eat crap for dinner, well, that’s at dinner time. When you get to dinner, try to make good choices there. And so on. The same goes for exercising. I’ll exercise today, and if I don’t tomorrow, that’s my choice. Then when I get to tomorrow, try to make that good choice. One choice, one decision, one step at a time, makes the road seem much less overwhelming. I can handle one choice. I can honestly not handle the idea of changing my whole lifestyle or going on a diet. I can handle the idea of trying to make one small choice at a time, and seeing where it gets me.

We shall see.

I’m leaving in a minute for yogalates.

There’s no chocolate cake in the house to reward myself with. I guess I’ll have to find something else. Perhaps… the joy of knowing I made a good decision for myself by going?

Ha. That’s very very funny.

Sunday nights when I hate my job are notoriously bad: Khalil and I both cranky, no one wanting to go to work. It doesn’t make sense to ruin those last few minutes of “freedom” but nonetheless, it is inevitable. These days, I like my job, so I’m a bit more relaxed and not dreading the next morning. Khalil may have the day off tomorrow, they’re predicting some snow around here. He’s excited about that.

When I worked at my last job, sometimes they closed. I’m pretty sure that we don’t have that option at this job, so I’m looking down the tubes of going in no matter what. That’s new for me. Even before, if they didn’t close, if you didn’t go in it was kind of expected and not a big surprise.

It kind of stinks. I liked snow days.

Abigail Catherine. Pretty cute, huh?

Busy smooshing baby, kissing her, and getting her to fall asleep on my chest three seconds before I have to pee. Really bad. That’s happened twice now.

Realizing more and more that I’m coming to peace with the idea of putting IVF off for a while and focusing on adoption. Babies, or kids of some sort will come to us and we’ll have a family. One day, hopefully, we’ll have children that are creations of Khalil and I. But all will happen at exactly the right time, even if that time is not rightnow.  

Hoo boy. She got an earful from me this morning. Now I need to go get ready for work.

http://tyrashow.warnerbros.com/beontheshow/mom_wannabe.html

But before I do, I just want to say- I so wish she would do a show on infertility: educating and supporting. Instead, she’s do a judgemental show with people telling women struggling with infertility that it’s time to stop. Lovely.

Well, one at least.

I’m going this weekend to see my good friend’s baby girl, Abby. I can’t wait. She’ll be lucky if she can wrangle her from me all weekend. I leave tomorrow after work for a breeze of a drive- only 6.5 or 7 hours. No biggie.

So worth it though. Time with a good friend, smooshing her baby. All will be good.