Day Thirty: NaBloPoMoNoMo

And let’s all thank the baby Jesus for that.

No more posts that begin with Day ____. No more posts that are just there because I have to post.

On one hand, I’ve liked NaBloPoMo. I liked posting every day. I just… I’m not all that great at it. After a while, I have not a whole lot to say. Here.

I’m not sure how to end. Do I want to talk about all I got out of NaBloPoMo? New blogs to read. Increased discipline (hhhhhhhaaaaaaa). The chance to write some really dumb posts. But I liked it. Liked connecting to the blogging world every day.

Or do I update you on my mood? Still fairly blah. Up and down somewhat, I guess, but the undertone is: ick.

Do I talk about how much I want some Lime Tostitos?? ALOT, that’s how much.

Or how about I talk about weight? I’m completely non-motivated, but hating it. I’m planning to take the weekend ‘off’ and then start exercising again on Monday. And also I’m going to get the eating at least somewhat under control. I am scared to death of gaining any of the weight back. That will be the straw that sends me spiraling. So I don’t want to do it.

Oh, I remember the other thing I was going to post about. Yes. How some days, I feel like God is up in the sky laughing. at me. Like how the weekend I get my period and want to cry, both waitresses we get are very pregnant. Or how in the past three weeks some ridiculous amount of women in my life have announced they’re pregnant (if you did, and you’re reading this, I’m very excited and happy for you! I promise! But also feeling sorry for myself and my friends who are struggling.) There are times I think God just thinks it’s all one big funny joke. Hysterical. No, really.

Day Twenty-NineA: Numbers

59 is the number my insulin was at about six months ago.

17 is what your insulin should be under.

17 is what my insulin was three months ago.

9 is what my insulin was today.

8 is the number of pounds I have lost.

3 is the number of months I have lost those 8 pounds in.

100 is the percent I feel better today.

Day Twenty-Nine: not funny

Talk about a cruel joke. I’ve been trying to get out of the 180s forever. Daydreaming about seeing even 179.9. Anything that doesn’t start with a 1-8.

 I haven’t exercised in almost a week. I’ve been eating crap. Yesterday? I subsisted primarily on donut holes, chocolate-caramel popcorn, and pizza.

This morning, I decide to weigh myself. I want to be “prepared” for what the tech at the sugar doc will tell me when he weighs me.

What a cruel joke. I weigh 179. How to motivate myself to do better? HOW??

Update on sugar doc tonight. I strongly imagine that appointment will give me all the motivation I need and then some.

Day Twenty-Eight: the blahs

At some point over the last weekend I read something, somewhere about the ‘holiday blahs’. And I distinctly remember thinking, “I’m glad I don’t have them.”

Ha. That’s just very funny. Hysterical, really.

I didn’t have them. I was feeling good. But the last few days, man. The last few days I have been CRABBY. I have wanted to throw things for no good reason. Cry at the drop of a hat. (Seriously, I cried at a commercial the other day. Khalil looked at me like I had 20 heads, all a different species.) I’m not sure what’s going on.

In the meantime though, things are not looking pretty. I’m eating whatever I want, whenever I want. I’m not exercising. I’m having a hard time mustering up the energy to care. Even if I do care, I definitely do not have the energy to do anything about it because GOD I just don’t want to. I like sleep, don’t want to exercise. Am sick of thinking about every bite of food I put in my mouth.

But this is a vicious cycle and I know it. Because the more out of control I am, the more depressed I am. And the more depressed I am, the harder time I have regaining control. And the more out of control I am… etc. It’s sad and pathetic and a little bit excuse-y, I know. But it is what it is.

I think it’s alot of things. I think it’s that people everywhere are pregnant, it would seem, and I am not. And if I am brutally honest with myself, I really thought that by now I certainly would be. But I am not. And it’s that I even have to struggle with my weight. It’s the very self-pitying feeling of “why do I have to deal with this? Why was I born with this issue?” Yeah. Very attractive, I know. I think it’s also being very scared for both my father and my grandmother. It’s being overwhelmed at work and very frustrated by a couple of things.

It’s all of those things. I need to do something to make it better, but… that takes some level of energy that I just don’t have right now.

I will tell you, though. I saw my niece and nephew tonight and almost cried when they left. I have not seen them often enough lately, feel like a bad aunt, and it was just so damn good to see them. Never mind seeing their mother and remembering just how fun it is to be around her- sometimes it’s just like we think and laugh on the exact same level and it’s so easy to be with her. And fun. And I love it. I miss them all very, very much. We joked about moving closer- she should move closer, no I should move closer… It was very jokey, but I really do wish someone would move closer. Me or her, I don’t care. Never mind that my mom is here from Kentucky, and while I tease her somewhat mercilessly about her being out of the state, that’s a big front for the anger I feel at her for being out of state. It’s certainly selfish and unreasonable, but it’s angry nonetheless. I want her to be home. She’s not. There’s nothing I can do.

There you have it. A big case of holiday blahs. Call me the Grinch. I’ll snap out of it soon enough.

To look forward to tomorrow: I see the Sugar Doc. Will have update.

Day Twenty-Seven: The more practical side of thanks

I’m thankful for TiVo. Not only does it allow me to pause, rewind, and fast forward through commercials, but it saves me. When I miss a show, and it plays later, TiVo automatically plans to record it. This saves me the trouble of having to search for when shows are on. Did I mention pause? And rewind? And no commercials? And season passes?

I’m also thankful for Edy’s Slow Churned Ice cream. When I’m doing well with eating, I eat 1/2 cup of ice cream. Every night. Every. Night. When I’m doing well (obviously I’m not now) that 1/2 cup of slow churned ice cream saves me.

I’d like to thank also fuzzy blankets and fuzzy slippers. These get me through the winter. We keep our heat lowish, in order to try and save on bills, and I spend lots of the winter wrapped in fuzzy blankets and slippers.

I’m thankful for US Weekly. Without it I wouldn’t be able to keep up on celebrity gossip. Which is one of my favorite pasttimes. How else would I know what happened at Tom and Katie’s wedding?

I cannot leave out the Internet! Not even just for blog reading, chat boards where I’ve made friends, and more celebrity gossip, but for internet shopping! I got half my Christmas shopping done yesterday. From the comfort of my pajamas. It was a wonderful thing.

Also? I just got a Senseo. Khalil’s uncle had it and didn’t like it, so he gave it to us. And it’s blue to boot! It makes delicious cappucino and decent coffee. And I love it.

I’m thankful November is almost over. This is a notoriously bad time of year for us anyways, but this year was particurly hard. Not to mention the whole daily posting thing, which I am glad is almost over. Hopefully in the future non-daily posting will save you from posts like this.

Day Twenty-Six: Back on Track

This weekend I have been relaxing. Chillin’. I sat on my couch so much that my neck started to hurt. I didn’t leave the apartment a whole lot. I didn’t exercise. I ate whatever I wanted. I went to bed early and got up late. I watched a zillion movies and alot of TV. I started a puzzle. Cuddled with my husband and my kitten.

It was a great weekend. Don’t get me wrong.

But tomorrow? Reality strikes. I’m dreading it.

Tomorrow I have to get up and exercise. I have to measure out my breakfast and lunch. I have to eat what I have measured and not more. I have to eat what I bring for lunch. I need to think about it.

I think that’s been the best part of the weekend. I didn’t have to think about a whole lot. I just ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I honestly didn’t go crazy with the food, by some miracle. But I didn’t eat well, either. Not by the ‘xchange standards, anyways. I ate alot of carbs and alot of sugar.

I’ll miss being home. I’ll miss Rory and seeing my husband all day. I’ll miss the relaxing part of the weekend. I needed it and I’m not ready to go back. I don’t have a choice, but I’m going back to my real life under protest. Wish me luck.

Day Twenty-Five: Pictures!

In the last two days, almost nothing has happened. I’ve spent alot of time relaxing, which has been woooonderful. But does not produce alot of blog material.

So. Here are some pictures.

Khalil fell asleep.

When he moved to the bedroom, so did Rory.

See all those papers there in the back? I certainly didn’t pull them out.

Thanksgiving Table

Where Khalil spent most of the day.

Rory begging for leftover turkey. She really IS a puppy. Also, see the seventies counter actually extends onto the wall. It doesn’t get more retro than that, folks.

Day Twenty-Four: And the Christmas Countdown Begins!

But I still owe a Thanksgiving post.

Things I am thankful for, and they are many.

I have to start with my husband. And the love, support, and friendship he gives me, every day. And for his sense of humor and not letting me take myself too seriously.  

And I’m thankful that he can cook. Because man, if he couldn’t cook, we’d be in a load of trouble in life.

I’m thankful for my cat. She’s just my baby. She wakes me up every morning at five am to cuddle with me. And if I’m still in bed, she comes again at 6:45. That time she’s hoping that I’ll get up and feed her, but still, I get a cuddle in.

I’m so thankful for our families. Khalil and I have families that couldn’t be more different in some ways. But they all love us. And are there to support us.

Khalil and I have a roof over our heads. We have a warm bed to come home to and a guest bed to offer to people. We have food in our pantry, and a decorated home. We have family, and friends, and each other. We have each other.

We are so blessed.

Day Twenty-Three: Not the post I planned

I had a long, thoughtful, love Thursday-ish post planned. I really did.

But I am tired.

And I have a headache.

And my stomach hurts.

There is so much to be thankful. I am so thankful. So much that I don’t want to kill the thankful post because I am so tired. So bear with me. Will be back tomorrow.

Day Twenty-Two: I know how you feel

Ha. I checked my blog stats: six views. Now, I’m not a huge blog, which is ok by me. But since I’ve started NaBloPoMo, I’ve had more hits… last time I had stats that low was, I kid you not, October 29. Two days before NaBloPoMo.

 I know where you all are. You are in your kitchens, cooking and baking. You’re in your bathrooms, scrubbing. You’re at the table making placecards. You’re at the store getting last minute ’stuff’. You’re packing, getting on a plane, or getting in a car.

I hear you. I’m doing the scrubbing, baking, placecard making thing. I’m so excited. SO excited.

But also? I’m SO TIRED. I still have a ton of baking to do, a kitchen to finish cleaning, an apartment to vacuum (it is days like this I LOVE not having a house- having less space means having less to CLEAN!).

Today was the day from hell. It puts tomorrow in perspective, I will tell you that. My grandma is having some medical problems, and I took the day to take her to the MD, get prescriptions filled, etc. I love my grandma, but she deserves a post all to herself. There have been about a gazillion phone calls to relatives, but mostly my sister and mom. There have been tears and recovery from tears. There have been good and horrible moments.

But she’s still here. I have so, so, so much to be thankful for. I may be exhausted, I may be not feeling well. I may be daydreaming of Friday when I plan to see… um, no one. Except Khalil and Rory. But in the meantime, I’m looking forward to tomorrow and I am counting my blessings. And I have many.