I am the bearer of all kinds of terrific news around here.

My mother had something like 6 or 7 pregnancies. (Granted, she had 4 miscarriages.) My sister had three pregnancies (but I am not implying all went well with all of those). Suffice it to say, neither of them had any difficulty getting pregnant, though they both suffered after that in other ways. I have been told all of my ever-loving life how easy it is going to be for me to get pregnant. My mom told me that the first time I had sex I’d probably be pregnant. She bet my sister I’d be pregnant in my first year of marriage. I was conceived while my mother was on birth control, for crying out loud.

I have many fears about pregnancy. My mother’s and my sister’s experiences have taught me that it is not all chocolate and roses. The results can be devastating at worst and while so joyful at best… there is that worst. When Khalil and I were talking about trying to get pregnant, we talked about the histories. We also talked about all I had seen while I worked for nine months in a NICU, doing social work. I was very scared.

My first fear, of course, was that I would have difficulty getting pregnant to begin with. I hoped against hope that it would happen quickly. I have several friends who got pregnant as “oops!” and another who had no problem getting pregnant. It was easy for them, and will be for me, right? Riiiiiiiiiiight.

I’m not naive enough to think that my measly five* six months of trying and six seven cycles are drops in the bucket in the infertility world. I know. Many women and couples go through alot more than that. I’m well aware.

But I’m so scared. I’m so scared that it’s going to be longer. So scared it will take too long or not ever happen. I’m nervous I’m going to let my husband down. I’m going to let me down. Our families. I very much want a child. I know I’ll be a good mother and GOD what an amazing father Khalil will be.

What if this keeps going? What if I get my period every month of my life for the next ever?

*I actually first wrote this post last month. I felt weird posting it… like I don’t have the right to complain, almost? Not that one more month gives me a “right” or takes one away- but this is how I feel, and why else do I write?? But then to talk about how I feel? Today we move on to cycle seven. yeehaw.