At some point over the last weekend I read something, somewhere about the ‘holiday blahs’. And I distinctly remember thinking, “I’m glad I don’t have them.”

Ha. That’s just very funny. Hysterical, really.

I didn’t have them. I was feeling good. But the last few days, man. The last few days I have been CRABBY. I have wanted to throw things for no good reason. Cry at the drop of a hat. (Seriously, I cried at a commercial the other day. Khalil looked at me like I had 20 heads, all a different species.) I’m not sure what’s going on.

In the meantime though, things are not looking pretty. I’m eating whatever I want, whenever I want. I’m not exercising. I’m having a hard time mustering up the energy to care. Even if I do care, I definitely do not have the energy to do anything about it because GOD I just don’t want to. I like sleep, don’t want to exercise. Am sick of thinking about every bite of food I put in my mouth.

But this is a vicious cycle and I know it. Because the more out of control I am, the more depressed I am. And the more depressed I am, the harder time I have regaining control. And the more out of control I am… etc. It’s sad and pathetic and a little bit excuse-y, I know. But it is what it is.

I think it’s alot of things. I think it’s that people everywhere are pregnant, it would seem, and I am not. And if I am brutally honest with myself, I really thought that by now I certainly would be. But I am not. And it’s that I even have to struggle with my weight. It’s the very self-pitying feeling of “why do I have to deal with this? Why was I born with this issue?” Yeah. Very attractive, I know. I think it’s also being very scared for both my father and my grandmother. It’s being overwhelmed at work and very frustrated by a couple of things.

It’s all of those things. I need to do something to make it better, but… that takes some level of energy that I just don’t have right now.

I will tell you, though. I saw my niece and nephew tonight and almost cried when they left. I have not seen them often enough lately, feel like a bad aunt, and it was just so damn good to see them. Never mind seeing their mother and remembering just how fun it is to be around her- sometimes it’s just like we think and laugh on the exact same level and it’s so easy to be with her. And fun. And I love it. I miss them all very, very much. We joked about moving closer- she should move closer, no I should move closer… It was very jokey, but I really do wish someone would move closer. Me or her, I don’t care. Never mind that my mom is here from Kentucky, and while I tease her somewhat mercilessly about her being out of the state, that’s a big front for the anger I feel at her for being out of state. It’s certainly selfish and unreasonable, but it’s angry nonetheless. I want her to be home. She’s not. There’s nothing I can do.

There you have it. A big case of holiday blahs. Call me the Grinch. I’ll snap out of it soon enough.

To look forward to tomorrow: I see the Sugar Doc. Will have update.