I’m not really going to keep doing that, I promise.

I went to Starbucks this morning. Forever, I went to Starbucks every Friday morning. I mean, for years. I did it the first time I lost weight- Friday morning was like my treat. As I was walking out of Starbucks with my Peppermint Mocha and chocolate-glazed donut, I had a pang of missing this. Missing my Friday morning Starbucks ritual. It may be a silly ritual but I still miss it.

I also miss something I did yesterday. I miss being able to choose from whatever “restaurant” I want, be it fast-food or a real restaurant. I miss saying, “hhmmm. I’m really craving Taco Bell right now. I think I’ll go.” And once I get to said whatever-restaurant-I-want, I miss ordering whatever I want. Caramel apple empanada, please.

I miss the meals I used to have. Half a bag of peanut butter oreos with a tall glass of milk for breakfast. A bag of tortilla chips, half a block of cream cheese, and salsa for lunch. A bagel, two donuts, and a hot chocolate for snack. (yes, there’s clearly no need to wonder how I got fat.) A box of macaroni and cheese for dinner, followed by a huge bowl of full-fat ice cream.

Lime tortilla chips, Starbucks, cream cheese and salsa. In and Out (that’s actually part of a whole different post about California), Taco Bell, Wendy’s, KFC. The desserts and bagels at Panera. Pizza. Oh GOD, pizza. Brownie batter. Hot chocolate from Dunkin Donuts. The freedom to do whatever I want. The freedom to walk into Target and get a Snickers and huge bag of Cheetos on the way out just cuz I feel like it.

The sleep. The sleep I have lost as part of exercising. Not having the ugly Firm box cluttering up my living room. The space next to my cable box and DVD player where all my Firm videos are.

Sometimes I want to wallow in the things I miss. There are things that I have going right now, while I am somewhat out of control, that I don’t miss. I don’t miss this feeling of always-being-tired. I don’t miss feeling completely out of control. I don’t miss the guilt. I don’t miss the draginess my body is feeling because it’s not being well cared for. I don’t miss the on and off nausea. I don’t miss the anxiety.

I have alot more reasons to be healthy than I do to not. The reasons I have to not are stupid. They all last about five minutes and the consequences of them last alot longer. ALOT longer. Not only the stuff I listed above and the reasons I don’t want to get fat. But also? The increased risk of diabetes. The difficulties getting pregnant. The consequences of diabetes once I do get it- my grandmother the last few years has experienced a whole host of health problems directly related to her diabetes that I would much prefer to avoid, thankyouverymuch.

I’m getting there. I can feel it. Getting myself back to a place that is out of the out-of-control spiral I’ve been in. I’m on my way back. Bear with me while I get there. And I’ll try to bear with myself while I get back there.