I’m twenty-seven today, yo.

I have actually alot of feelings about my birthday. I have always loved my birthday. I don’t know- some people hate it, some people are indifferent. I LOVE it. I love the day. I love people calling and singing me Happy Birthday, I love Khalil whispering it in my ear first thing in the morning. I love the cute messages and text messages I get. Love the e-mail cards. Love the presents. I just… I love it. This year feels a little different, though.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still loving my day. I’m having a very good day, thank goodness. But leading up to my birthday I was leaning more toward the indifferent side on my birthday. It felt- less exciting, less thrilling. Maybe after you have twenty-seven of them the excitement starts to wear off a bit? (Ok, probably for most people it starts to wear off at about twelve of them. But if we haven’t learned that I am not most people, what have we learned?)

I also feel old. I feel… last year I felt like I was on the other side of twenty-five. That meant I was closer to thirty than I was to twenty. And Lordy, did that feel… older. Now I’m practically closer to thirty than I am to twenty-five (almost) and that just feels scary. I don’t feel quite grown-up enough to be thirty. So I guess it’s good I’m not quite thirty, huh?

I also feel a little sentimental today. Last year I had a very close friend that I lost this year. Today I am feeling a little sad about losing her. We also went out as couples for our birthdays. I loved it. It was just… something we always did. I missed her birthday dinner this year, and thought of it. But I’m missing her presence on my birthday. Last year her daughter, four at the time, left me the cutest voicemail on my birthday. “Hi Auntie Paige. (she’s not answering mommy! It’s a voicemail, Jewel!) Auntie Paige? Happy Birthday Auntie Paige. (She’s still not there mommy! Just leave the message Jewel!) I love you Auntie Paige. (Mommy! She’s not answering! Why won’t she talk to me?!).” Click. It was precious. Don’t get me wrong- this morning my niece and nephew called and sang me happy birthday. It was beautiful music and brought tears to my eyes. I talked to both of them and got Happy Birthdays from them. I just have been thinking about my friend and her family and missing them today.

Bittersweet, I suppose. I still love my birthday. I love the day to celebrate me, as selfish as that sounds. But I am also thinking about the things I am losing and have lost. I will focus on the positives and the many blessings I have. But as I get older, birthdays stay bittersweet, I think.