Someone got to my site by searching “bullshit goals”. I think that may be the name of my next blog. Because sometimes, it it so apropo.

The eating thing has basically gone down the drain. I am making a half-hearted attempt to stay in my goals (bullshit goals), particularly with lunches. Half-hearted being the operative word here. I’m trying not to give up completely. I really am.

The problem is two-fold. The first is the fact that I really do not know what the best plan for me is. The Diabetic Exchange worked for a while. However, I began to have concerns with how few calories I was eating, given the very-scientific internet research I was doing. I got worried that I was starting to burn my own muscle instead of fat. This got worse when I plateaud back in September. Was the plateau a result of my diet or my lack of discipline? I honestly don’t know. Or was the lack of discipline a result of being so rigid for so long? Again, I’m not sure. On this journey, hindsight isn’t always 20-20.

The other problem is all of the stress I am dealing with. I’ve never had an easy time eating well under stress, it’s one of my coping mechanisms, I’ll admit it. I’m not a big overeater, per se. However, I do lack the motivation to make good choices. Making good choices requires a lot of work and dedication for me. It’s something that dealing with a dying grandmother, a sick father, and trying to conceive just don’t leave me with. I have no emotional energy left. One might argue that eating well isn’t emotional. They would not know me well at all if they tried to propose that. They might then argue that I should seek some professional help if eating is an emotional issue. I am not sure I could argue with them. But if I’m not stressed out, I’ve been able to make some good choices.

For the time being, I am going to keep exercising. And doing the best I can day to day, but I cannot beat myself up for making not-the-best-choices. I just can’t. So that is where I stand.

Oh. Khalil has also put the scales away- they’re in his closet. Until, maybe… June? July?