Or the right ones, at least.

There has been a silence, I know. There are many reasons for it. Khalil was here, which made for less blogging time. Some painful things were going on. Some things I didn’t want to talk about and some things I didn’t have the words for.

It occurred to me the other day that this blog really started as a weight loss blog. I don’t even pretend right now to be losing weight. I make efforts to exercise, and that has been happening a few times a week, for the most part. Eating right has gone out the window. If I think about it too long I will break down, because it is frustrating. But I just do not have the mental or emotional space to think about it for too long. I just don’t.

I don’t know what to say about my dad. Right now, my dad is not my dad. He used to say something that made me hugely uncomfortable, and I find it coming to haunt me these days. Whenever people who couldn’t care for themselves, who were losing their mental sanity or independence were on TV or talked about in conversation, he would tell us what to do if that happened to him. “If I’m ever like that, shoot me. Put me to death. Something. Don’t let me live like that.”

He’s now living like that. I never promised him anything. His attitude right now, thank GOD, is one of wanting to live. He wants a liver desperately and he wants to make it through this. But his words haunt me. Every time his dependence is highlighted, every time he loses his mind…. I hear his voice in the back of my head. It makes me want to sob.

I don’t know what to say about my Grandma. My heart hurts when I think of her. I have been irrationally angry with my mother for the last year for leaving and moving to Kentucky. I understand why her and her husband did it, and I understand just how selfish and irrational my anger is. But she dealt the latest blow this weekend when she decided she could best care for my grandmother with her husband in Kentucky. Far, far away from me. My first reaction was that she is taking my grandma away from me. Is it the best decision? Possibly, quite possibly. Am I still angry about it? Yes.

My sister said, and I agree with her… she’s having a hard time crying. Because you feel like once you start you may not be able to regain mental sanity. You may not be able to calm and come back to a place where you are not crying. If I fall apart will I ever come back together again? This is how I feel right now.