Monthly Archive

Years, that is.

We’ve been married for three years. That equals over 1,000 days.

I asked him yesterday if he felt like it was longer or shorter than three years. We agreed- it feels like three years has flown by, but also like we’ve been together forever.

This last year, in particular the last six months, has been hands down the hardest time in my life. It’s just been… hard. Sometimes that translates into hard for our marriage. But never in my life have I been more convinced that I married the right man. The one with the quiet strength when I’ve run all out of any kind of strength. The one who can take one look at me and know something is wrong, before I’ve even figured that out myself. The one who knows when not to push and when I so desperately need him to push. This man, he gets me. He knows me inside and out, and I love that.

I feel safe. With him. It has only been three- but feels like forever. I’m so lucky that I get to spend my life with him. With him by my side I feel like I can handle each day. I love him so much it hurts.

Happy Anniversary, hon. I love you.

What? You guys thought that I dropped being a social worker and just became a grieving person trying fad diets? Is that what you thought?

I don’t write about my job often, however, my post on being a foster parent is still one of the most clicked-on posts on my blog. Funny thing. I hope it’s helpful to those finding it.

I want to get back to writing about foster parenting and foster care. That’s the aspect of social work I work in right now. I love what I do. What I do is hard work, however I have a special place in my heart for the children and families I work with. What I do is hard, what foster parents do day in and day out is 100 times harder, and the lives my kids have led is 1000 times harder. Those are the reminders that keep me going when my job is hard.

The reason I don’t write about my job often is because I struggle with how to write about it. I so wish that I could tell my kids stories. But those are their stories, and they need to find their own way to tell them. I hope one day that they can, and that brings healing to my kids.

I think, though, that writing about what foster care is, what it isn’t, what I do, what I don’t do, etc., may be a good place to start.

I often read Baggage. She is a foster parent and has an awesome, honest perspective. She recently posted asking if folks have questions about foster care. I’d love to know the same- do you have questions? What would you want to know from a social worker? Hopefully this will give me a way to start talking about what I do and love.

It’s the little, day to day incidents that get me.

It’s when I walk into the grocery story where I took you shopping every week. And go in the side we used to go in, and am confronted with the salad bar. And have to fight the urge to fill a plate exactly how you would want it, which you would tell me every time, despite the fact that I knew it by heart.

It’s when I drive by a motorcycle, and pick up my phone to call you. It’s not until I see your name that I realize you’re not there to call.

It’s when I drive by where you lived. I was there so often, I can’t even stand to drive by it.

It’s when I see a red or grey van. With a working guy inside, doing the kinds of things you used to do. I still look to see if you’re the one driving the van- sometimes you were, and it was always fun to beep and wave, see your smile of surprise, and your wave. It’s realizing I’ll never see that wave again.

It’s going to Panera. And being tempted to get the Caesar salad- without chicken-, broccoli cheddar soup, and a hazelnut coffee. Not because it’s what I liked there.

It’s having to stop myself when someone mentions they need a good electrician in our area. Because I no longer know one.

It’s the fact that I don’t think I’ll be able to go to Outback again. I always hated it there, but went with you. Because you loved it. And if they ever put one in town, I think I’ll cry. You so wanted one in town, and if they put one here you won’t be able to eat it.

It’s when I go to the restaurant we went to when you and mom were first divorced. It’s different- Mexican now- but I still remember so much about that night. It was awkward, and sad, but I now realize how hard you were trying.

It’s remember how much you loved Dairy Queen. Knowing that I got that from you and mom. We are an ice cream group.

It will be Christmas Eve. We always spent it with you guys, and I don’t know what I’ll do this year. Sit home? It was hard figuring out how to split holidays, but it ended up working out. Christmas Eve was always fun at your house. Where will I get pierogies now?

It was when the baby daffodils came out. They were one of your favorite flower, and every year at some point I made it a point to buy you some. You were always so grateful, for the littlest, most silly stuff.

It’s when the car starts to make funny noises. As much as I love Khalil, he’s not a car guy. I’d call you, and you’d lecture me about not changing the oil, or keeping the gas full. But you’d always come get me if I needed you to.

It’s when no one asks about Rory. You asked- every time. And I always felt like it mattered to you. You loved cats, even though mine put you in the hospital that one time when you met her. You still loved her.

It’s going to be when we have children- your grand and great-grand children. Neither one of you will be here, and my children would have been so blessed to know you guys. You both would have been so proud.

It’s the moments when I think of you, and how much I loved you. It makes my heart ache to know that you’re not still here with me.

I’m the first non-sponspored link in Ask.com  under “food rehab”.

Go see for yourself!

I know. My blog has finally made it.

In more serious news, I have lost another 2.4 pounds on my Up Day Down Day Diet. I’m down to 197.8. I kept praying just to be under 198. And I was. Rock on.

Often times I will be talking about something a friend of mine said, and whomever I’m talking to will ask where I know that friend from. “Oh, my board.” They know who I am talking about, in general at least. For almost five years now I have been a part of an online community. We started on a public message board and not too long later migrated to a private one. We have been there for each other, virtually, through thick and thin. We have had weddings and divorces. Babies and infertility. Deaths and tragedies. Joys and laughter.

But today something happened that hit all of us. Never as hard as the person whom it actually hit, but nonetheless.

One of my friends, a person I consider a friend despite the fact that I’ve only met her a few times in “real life”, her husband passed away. He had a very unexpected and tragic death. And I can’t imagine.

I cannot imagine the pain. I now know the pain of losing my father and grandmother. I cannot, in my wildest imagination, fathom the pain of losing a husband. My heart cracks into a million pieces every minute I think of my friend and her babies. I don’t know what to say or how to reach out. There is no way to make this better. I have so many feelings and reactions, but tonight I don’t want this to be about me. This is about my friend, her pain, her loss.

We are all holding our loved ones closer tonight. Tonight, a community of women who has known each other for a long time, shared far more kind words than sharp words, and held each other up through time, is grieving together for one of our own. If you’re reading this, know that we are here for you. Know that there is nothing we won’t do to hold you up right now. We love you.

It’s amazing what a day will do for you. Yesterday it took me almost two hours to get out of bed. I knew I needed… just, a day. So I took today off of work. I crawled out of bed at 9am. It felt like heaven to not have to get out of bed. I watched a movie, ate breakfast, and sat around for the morning. I didn’t clean, or pay bills, or run errands in the car. I did walk to the bank, but I took my camera. It was the most peaceful hour I remember having in well over six months. I took pictures. I narrated my pictures for my photo blog, but don’t think that I will narrate them there. I let myself be creative, and calm. I found the beauty in my surroundings, hoping to let that beauty carry over into the rest of my life and my perspective on things.

Between the work that I do and the things that have happened in my life lately, everything has felt ugly. Grey, brown, depressing and ugly. I have had trouble getting out of bed. I have not wanted to do anything. I want to lay in bed and just.. sleep. Today I let myself wander. I let myself do whatever I wanted to do. I didn’t press to meet a to-do list. I didn’t have anyone demanding or asking anything of me. I was able to just be. Something I’m not sure I’ve done in a very long time.

I think this is one small baby step towards beginning to take care of myself again.

Went from 203.4 last Sunday. That was my first “down” day.

This week I am 200.2. So 3.2 pounds is a good start. I was reallyreallyreally hoping to be under 200, but hey, I guess I’ll take .3 up from that. Ah well.

In other breaking news, my pants feel better. And this diet feels doable.

We’ll see where we go! Good luck to me on my second week!

I am climbing on the fad diet bandwagon. Thus far in my weight loss journey, I have managed to avoid fad diets. I have not tried Atkins, South Beach, the cabbage diet, or the banana diet. I have tried Weight Watchers, a whopping three times now. Clearly those three times were a big success for me. I’ve also done the Diabetic Exchange.

But as of yesterday, I have gone where I have never gone before: Fad Diet Land. The place where diets aren’t necessarily backed by years and years of evidence. The land of scary propositions such as cutting out entire food groups. The land of yo-yo dieting. The land where… if it’s sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

However, I’m at a point where I just don’t care. I know, in my head somewhere, that the trick to weight loss- real, sustainable weight loss- is a lifestyle that includes consistently healthy food choices and regular exercise. The problem for me is that at this point in my life, I just can’t do that. I just can’t.

I think this goes a little deeper than laziness. Right now I can barely stand myself. I hate the way I look and am questioning myself in other ways every time I turn around. The last few months have hit really, really hard and that’s making it so every day takes an effort. Just to be, never mind go above and beyond. If I’m not self-loathing then I’m grieving. If I’m not grieving I’m a sniping bitch. I can be hard to take these days. I’m working on it- I really and truly am. I get better every day. But some days it’s all just too much.

So there’s no room in my brain or in myself to love myself enough to really make the changes that need to be made. On the other hand, I can’t do nothing. I am so sick of my body that something has to be done. I just can’t deal anymore. Which creates quite a dilemma- hating myself, but not willing to change myself.

Huh. Enter Fad Diet Land. The diet that sounds just too good to be true. I have started Johnson’s Up Day Down Day Diet. See www.traineo.com for some folks who have had some really great results. What makes this a fad diet?? The fact that these folks have been on it for only a few months. And that it just seems so easy. Eat whatever I want one day, the next eat next to nothing. The mindset being- I can eat whatever I want tomorrow. Which is somewhat freeing for me. This gives me much less anxiety- I know I can have it the next day. Every other day. Whatever I want. Whatever. I. Want.

We shall see how it goes. Yesterday was my first “down” day and I did well. Two slim-fast shakes and a Luna bar, for total calories of 540. Today I’ve had- well, whatever I wanted.

I haven’t posted because I didn’t know what to say. What to tell you? I’m gaining weight, I’m not dealing with any of my grief. Want to see more pictures of my cat?? So I just didn’t post. I think it helps to be writing, though. I tend to come upon insights as I write things out or create blog posts in my head. So I am going to try to keep doing it.