You are currently browsing the monthly archive for October, 2007.
I’m gearing up for NaBloPoMo.
So I’ve been trying to post more often.
And besides for complaining about my job more, all I can come up with is that I’m already running out of things to say. Two days before I start daily posting.
Oh, and I haven’t been exercising either. In case you were wondering. Things are going swimmingly.
There are days, like today, that I just can’t believe the world I work in.
Not the “system”, although I spend plenty of days angry at the “system” and what it does to our children- what WE do to our children.
But today? Today I’m pissed at a world in which we treat children like they are less than the puppies in the pound. Worth less. That’s what I’m pissed at today.
I’m so, so tired.
We did the Buddy Walk on September 30, 2007.
For the longest time, ER was the show I cried to all the time. Like, every week. Then, well, ER got boring, and none of the original actors remained, and I stopped watching.
Then I was a social work intern at a hospital, and they were all talking about Grey’s. So I started watching, about 3 episodes in, and I couldn’t stop. And it became, like ER and also Dawson’s Creek (don’t ask) one of those shows that I love and that make me cry. All the time.
The Dead Dad’s Club episode aired before I was part of the dead dad’s club. I remember that I already knew my dad was sick, and wondering if I’d ever be a part of it. And hoping that I wouldn’t.
And then I was.
And now I hate the episodes where there are scenes where someone’s on life support. And where George is dealing with the aftershocks of his dad’s death. And giving speeches about giving his dad his heart if he could have.
They make me cry.
Really. I just can’t do it. I mean, I can. I just don’t want to. Or like to. Or seem to be able to find any motivation to do so.
Seriously. For the longest time my big whine was “I don’t want to get up early in the morning!”
Twice now I’ve gotten up. Monday I got up and went “walking” which really means I took my camera out and took some pictures. Today I got up and…. got up. And didn’t exercise. WTF? I wasted waking up early. To not exercise.
Since I’m not getting skinnier, here are a few of the pics from Monday’s “exercise”.
Blurry, I know, but a good picture of the colors of fall in New England!
Early morning sky
Last remnant of summer
Isn’t she cute?
When you’re young, before you realize there are other people out there, parents are your world. We rely on them for everything- our basic needs, and our emotional needs. They feed us, change our diapers, potty train us. They apply the band-aids and kisses. They tell us everything will be ok, that they are here for us. They make everything better with a single hug, smile, or kiss. I’m always amazed at how magical kissing a child’s ‘boo boo’ is. To a child, a kiss from a parent is their world. Children haven’t yet learned that there are other people in the world, their parents are their world. They wake up to their parents, and go to bed with them.
As they get older, other people start to enter their realm. Aunts, uncles, child care providers, teachers, friends. They start moving farther and farther away from parents to explore relationships with these other people. All the relationships are built in the framework that they have created with their parents. If the framework was abusive, children are mistrusting. If the relationships with parents was nurturing and caring, children learn that the world is a safe place. They base their interactions with others on their interactions with their parents. They are the anchors. The little rowboats of children float away, but always come back to the anchor of their parents.
Kids get older. They move away from being infants and children and we call them kids and teens. Parents are edged out as their world increasingly becomes about peers, school, and themselves. Always, though, always, this is set in the framework of their parents. If children have a stable and trusting relationship with their parents, they are more free to explore their ever-expanding world. Always, always, even as they are edged out, parents are there. Maybe ever more in the background, but always there.
When we go to college, and move on, our world shifts away from our parents. We begin to recognize their wisdom and call for advice, and sometimes actually listen to the advice. Even as we begin to build our own world full of adult relationships, school, work, and futures with all the potential, we move back to our anchors, our parents. We may push them away, still like a teenager thinking we know everything and better than they do, but nonetheless, we begin to listen. We look for their approval and while we deny it, their love and approval colors our decisions. Again, they are ever there.
As we move on, our relationships with our parents can grow to mature. They are parents but also friends. They are less of rule-makers and more of supporters. Always, always our anchors.
I don’t think I realized all of this until I lost one of my anchors.
Parents remind us of who we are. Our whole history is attached to them. Even if you don’t call or see them for a week or a few months, they are there. Always, always there. Happy to hear from you, telling you they love you. They are us. The fact that they are a phone call away, a drive, and always willing to be there when you need them is comforting. Whether we know that or not.
I know that people of all ages have parents die. Obviously this year was when I had it happen to me. It still catches me by surprise. I wonder if it still surprises me because I didn’t see him all the time. He was a few weeks to a few months between phone calls. He was a wave on the road as we passed each other. He was at holidays and special events. He wasn’t every day or even every week. So I don’t feel the pangs every day. I feel the loss of the anchor more than I feel the daily emptiness. I feel it when I go to call him to say hi, or ask a question. I had a dream where I needed to find out about loose electrical shocks. (It made no sense, but he was an electrician.) I kept suggesting we call my dad, and everyone ignored me. I can’t remember if we did or not. It’s that emptiness that makes me suck in my gut and can bring me to tears.
I don’t know how to handle it still. I don’t break out in tears, but I am dreading the holidays, in all honesty. I have hated this whole damn year, 2007 has sucked, and I don’t want to deal with the 2007 Thanksgiving or Christmas. I am going Christmas shopping today and I couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to go. It wasn’t until I started mentally preparing my Christmas list that I realized why I didn’t want to go- it was because there are people missing on my list, people that it would be silly to buy gifts for because- well, because they’re dead. I want to fast forward from now until January, when I can start a whole new year over and have some hope that it will be better.
One of my anchors is gone, and the emptiness just doesn’t quit.
When I stopped exercising (I pretty much totally stopped when I spent the three weeks in the hotel in Pittsburgh. I brought everything with me, then just… didn’t do it.), I was doing really well. I was using 12-15 pound weights and was just able to get through even the really hard parts in some of my Firm videos. I had started using some other videos that were hard, and getting through them.
Then I stopped.
I did a video on Thursday. Back in January/ February, this one was easy. I still broke a sweat, but it was a good video for a day when I wanted to exercise but not do anything too difficult.
Yeaaaaaaah. I barely got through the warm-up. I got through the video, and was proud that I got through it. But also sad, because it goes to show that not onlyhave I stalled in the progress I’ve made, my body has gone backwards.
There that is. It’s an upwards climb, that’s for sure.
This blog started as a weight loss blog.
And, of course, in my world sometimes I’m trying to lose weight and sometimes… well… I’m not. Sometimes I’m working on loving myself no matter my size, sometimes I’m trying to love myself by taking care of myself and losing weight.
Probably just about this whole year, I haven’t really been committed to weight loss for myself.
I’m not sure I am still.
However, today I did something I haven’t done in a while: I exercised.
That’s right, broke out a very easy Firm video and got down.
Woot! Go me.
I’m mostly just tired, but also emotionally drained.
Haven’t given up altogether, almost every day I think of a blog post. I just don’t have the energy to write them.
