I don’t know how many times I heard today that I can change my mind, or go back if I want to. I so appreciate that sentiment. And I know that I can.

I wonder if I will. I know that life takes us in all kinds of crazy and wild directions that we never plan on. I know that we can make plans that turn out perfectly, and we can make plans that never come to fruition, because something different crosses our path in life.

I know that when I left my agency the first time, I never planned to go back. One of the hardest things for me today is remembering the day my current supervisor called and asked if I was interested in a position. I was miserable at the job I had at that time, and couldn’t wait to leave. Nary a tear was shed leaving that job. I felt like on some level she saved me. I began growing as a clinician, therapist, social worker, and person again. I learned and changed. I loved what I was doing again.

I wish I wasn’t so tired, I wish I hadn’t had the year I had. But life does that to you, we don’t get to control it, and you have to do what you have to do (another phrase I’ve heard many times in the last month). But it’s true. I needed to make the choice that was ultimately right for me, for my family, for my future.

Right now? I hope I go back. I already miss my coworkers and families desperately. More than that, I feel like I cut off my arm, or some critical piece of my identity. I loved being a social worker in the foster care system, loved supporting families and working with children who needed more, loved doing therapy and eventually supervising other clinicians. Loved, loved, loved it. But I already know that even if I went back tomorrow, things would have shifted. Something would have shifted and it would not be the same. If I went back in six months, in a year, in two, it would not be the same. That doesn’t mean I won’t go “back”, but it means I cannot go backwards.

And so I feel sad for some moments, and try to focus on moving forward. I welcome the sad, I don’t want to push it away too vehemently, because I want to be able to walk through it and move to the other side, looking forward and moving on.

Embracing the future, and moving on.