Monthly Archive

So. I didn’t say anything, for good reason, but I was going to do Blog 365. I didn’t say anything because my goal was to go a month of daily blogging (January) and then join and tell folks. But then I only made it 18 days, then it was 10 more days and a comment from my sister before I remembered… I have a blog?

The visit from Caleb and Ellie was wonderful. No surprise, I cried when they left. I love our apartment, I love my life with my husband and cat. I even love the quiet. But when they leave, it just feels too quiet. Too, too quiet. So I was sad.

I have some good pictures, but to be honest I bent a pin in my memory card slot and am very upset about it. I still have a working camera, but have barely picked it up because I’m so upset with myself for minorly damaging part of my camera. I couldn’t figure out how to get the memory card in (was I tired? deranged? I do not know.) and so I tried it all different ways and VOILA! bent pin. I had to work hard not to cry but there were three children here and it just wasn’t the time.

So. Pictures will come. Ha ha. Maybe after Christmas pictures, or something. I don’t know.

I’m in a weird place. There’s tons going on and yet nothing at all. I don’t really want to yammer on about my weight, or my issues around food, because I feel like- what else can I say? I hate to exercise and have a hard time getting the eating under control. What more is there to say?

So. Silence. I don’t like the silence though, because blogging is therapeutic. And I need to do those kinds of things.

These two rugrats are coming tomorrow, for the weekend! We can’t wait.

This rugrat is equally excited:

From Oceans Eleven:

Danny, to Tess, about Terry:

“Does he make you laugh?:

Tess, in response:

“He doesn’t make me cry.”

When you go work at a place, and there’s a gym there, that you don’t have to pay to join, and you can work out on your lunch hour?

There’s really no excuse for not exercising.

Today I did. 20 minutes on the elliptical (previously known in these parts as the elliptihell, but I’m trying to stay positive here). I went to go do some “ab work” ha ha ha. I laid down on the ground, stayed there for a few minutes, and decided that getting up from that position was enough ab work. To be fair *cough, cough* I did just do yogalates last night, and my ab muscles are still screaming. Less insistently than they did last week, but still. Screaming.

I’m pretty proud. The eating, it is getting there, especially during the week. Weekends, as always, are where my biggest challenges lie. (weekends, and right after I get home from work.)

I’m just taking it one decision at a time. A friend of mine who has been around this block a few times had suggested that a long time ago, before I was ready to hear it. I was all about losing huge amounts of weight, and she told me to take it one choice at a time. Try to eat healthy for lunch, if you want to eat crap for dinner, well, that’s at dinner time. When you get to dinner, try to make good choices there. And so on. The same goes for exercising. I’ll exercise today, and if I don’t tomorrow, that’s my choice. Then when I get to tomorrow, try to make that good choice. One choice, one decision, one step at a time, makes the road seem much less overwhelming. I can handle one choice. I can honestly not handle the idea of changing my whole lifestyle or going on a diet. I can handle the idea of trying to make one small choice at a time, and seeing where it gets me.

We shall see.

I’m leaving in a minute for yogalates.

There’s no chocolate cake in the house to reward myself with. I guess I’ll have to find something else. Perhaps… the joy of knowing I made a good decision for myself by going?

Ha. That’s very very funny.

Sunday nights when I hate my job are notoriously bad: Khalil and I both cranky, no one wanting to go to work. It doesn’t make sense to ruin those last few minutes of “freedom” but nonetheless, it is inevitable. These days, I like my job, so I’m a bit more relaxed and not dreading the next morning. Khalil may have the day off tomorrow, they’re predicting some snow around here. He’s excited about that.

When I worked at my last job, sometimes they closed. I’m pretty sure that we don’t have that option at this job, so I’m looking down the tubes of going in no matter what. That’s new for me. Even before, if they didn’t close, if you didn’t go in it was kind of expected and not a big surprise.

It kind of stinks. I liked snow days.

Abigail Catherine. Pretty cute, huh?

Busy smooshing baby, kissing her, and getting her to fall asleep on my chest three seconds before I have to pee. Really bad. That’s happened twice now.

Realizing more and more that I’m coming to peace with the idea of putting IVF off for a while and focusing on adoption. Babies, or kids of some sort will come to us and we’ll have a family. One day, hopefully, we’ll have children that are creations of Khalil and I. But all will happen at exactly the right time, even if that time is not rightnow.  

Hoo boy. She got an earful from me this morning. Now I need to go get ready for work.

http://tyrashow.warnerbros.com/beontheshow/mom_wannabe.html

But before I do, I just want to say- I so wish she would do a show on infertility: educating and supporting. Instead, she’s do a judgemental show with people telling women struggling with infertility that it’s time to stop. Lovely.

Well, one at least.

I’m going this weekend to see my good friend’s baby girl, Abby. I can’t wait. She’ll be lucky if she can wrangle her from me all weekend. I leave tomorrow after work for a breeze of a drive- only 6.5 or 7 hours. No biggie.

So worth it though. Time with a good friend, smooshing her baby. All will be good.

I was talking the other night to a friend who has struggled with infertility. She went on to adopt, and has never had biological children.

We watched We Are Marshall tonight. Highly recommended for those nights when you just want to cry, but can’t get anything to make you cry?? This movie will take care of that for you in a jiffy. Best line? “Grief is messy”.

I did good today. I actually make good food choices all. day. long. Huh. Weird. I keep reminding myself that I can eat crap if I want to. I know this sounds weird, I do. But I have found that if I tell myself I can’t, if I take away my choice, I end up wanting to rebel. If I ask myself to please make the better choice, but hey, if you really want it, the other one is there and go for it… well, hopefully I will make baby steps towards the better choices, every day.

The new WW tag line is “diets don’t work. WW does.” I get all pissy and defensive every time I see their stupid commercial. WW failed for me I failed WW three times. I beg to differ. It is a diet, like it or not. It works for some, but someone help me out here- do the words at the bottom of all their success stories still say results not typical?

So far, I’m liking baby steps. Much less pressure.

Wow. I find when I blog every day I have way less to say. Huh.

Yogalates.

Then chocolate cake.

Baby steps here, people. Baby steps. No major reorganization of my life, no diet. Just… baby steps.

I’m only about 20% of the way there in editing photos from  yesterday. I took almost three hundred (!!!) but they’re fun.

I look at these and just think they look so old!

Got back from my sister’s. It was so fun. We had such a good night, just talking, chatting, and then playing games. The boys kicked our butts at Scene It, Squabble, but we were proud to make it through the first half and not get skunked.

Caleb’s birthday party today was so fun. It was a very special little group of kids, who were just the cutest ever. There were a few I would have taken home with me, if only I could have fit them into my camera bag.

Ellie, Shannon and I played maybe 100 games of Uno Attack. I joked on Friday night after the kids went to bed if anyone was up for a game, and we all kind of laughed. After playing though, I kind of loved it and want my own!

Pictures to come. Hopefully before, I don’t know, March?

After work tonight we’re on our way to New Jersey, to go to Caleb’s birthday party tomorrow.

On Monday, he turned nine. Nine?? Is that even possible?

I think not. But there we are, anyways. Nine years of knowing and loving the most sweet and most stubborn kid you will ever know and love. Just when you’re sure that you can’t take another second of the stubborn, he kisses your hand and tells you that you are his friend, or he gets all excited because you wore something similar and, “We match!” It’s just not possible that he’s nine, and then it is.

Yes, I do resolutions every year. I generally keep about half of them.

This year, I am only making one:

To do at least one thing that takes care of and respects me each day.

This past year has been a  year of woeful neglect of myself. I have spent so much time either taking care of others or just trying to keep my head above water, that any semblance of caring for myself has gone out the window.

I’m going to be honest. When I think of taking care of myself, I honestly get overwhelmed. I think it’s because I tend to think of it as all or nothing. Either I’m exercising, and eating well, and drinking water, and shaving my legs regularly, and taking time for myself OR I am not exercising, drinking soda, eating crap, and just in general not taking any time for myself.

My goal this year is to not make it all or nothing. It is to do two things, I suppose: To make decisions under the umbrella of self-respect, and to make a conscious decision every day to do at least one thing that is taking care of me. And hopefully, in time, the other things will begin to fall into place.

I’ve already started. Today, I tried eating more fruits and veggies. Yesterday, I started this book, by this guy, who is a “Dr” and who wrote about weight loss. I am liking it already, more of that to come.

But first, a year in review. I was trying to figure out how to write about this last year, then found a meme over here. Perfect. (By the way, if you’re on her site, look around for pics of her new kitten, Linus. I have claimed him as Rory’s Internet Boyfriend.)

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

Got my social work license. Learned the true meaning of grief. Learned what an RE is.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I did make resolutions. Here they are:

1. Really- be serious about losing weight. Get off my fat ass and do it, and not give up this time when the going gets rough.

3. Get pregnant. Stay pregnant. Have baby.

4. Take more pictures. Learn how to use my fancy pants new camera. Be a better photographer.

**********

1. I gained weight. Whoops.

2. Passed the LCSW.

3. Did not get pregnant, so could not stay pregnant.

4. Did in fact learn how to use new fancy pants camera, and even started a fledgling little business doing so!!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Did they ever!! In 2007 one co-worker gave birth and another one got pregnant. I had three very close friends give birth (Welcome to the world, Jack, Abby, and Caroline!). One friend had a miscarriage and I have several more who are currently pregnant.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes, my grandma and then a week later my dad.

5. What countries did you visit?

none!

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

A baby. A whole year without funerals. Some self-control.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

March 8 and March 15. See above question re: people close to me dying.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I have two: Getting through the year whole, and passing my LCSW exam.

9. What was your biggest failure?

My total abandonment of any effort to lose weight or even to take care of myself in any way.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Only mental.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Huh. This one is giving me pause. The best things I’ve gotten in 07- a new camera lens, a new couch, My So Called Life on DVD- were all gifts. Best thing I’ve bought? I’m not sure…

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My husband’s. He has been a literal rock for me this last year. I don’t know how he’s survived it. The emotional stuff hasn’t been easy for him, either, and yet he’s stood by me through some serious ups and downs.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

It was very sad for me watching some of my family decompensate when my dad and grandma were sick and dying, and then in the aftermath.

14. Where did most of your money go?

bills, bills, bills. BUT! We started seeing a financial planner, and now some- not most, but some- of our money is going into savings and retirement funds! So exciting.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

2007 ending.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

Nickelback, “If Everyone Cared”. For a looong time I blasted that every. single. day. Just to remind me.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a. sadder. b. fatter. c. richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Taking time and taking care of myself. I really didn’t do a good job of that this year. Also? Nurturing my marriage. With all the other things that went on… sometimes I take that for granted. Unacceptable.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Grieving. Necessary evil, but I’m tired of it nonetheless. Also? Eating.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my family. We went to my sisters and watched the kids open presents. It was quiet, and peaceful, and wonderful.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

Every day.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Hmm. America’s Next Top Model, I think. Oh, and the Office.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Not really, I don’t think.

24. What was the best book you read?

Water for Elephants.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

???

26. What did you want and get?

A new camera lens. And a new couch.

27. What did you want and not get?

A Kitchen Aid. A baby. A living father and grandma. To lose weight. I don’t ask for much, really.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. For me, it was magic. I loved it.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 28 this year, and Khalil and I stayed home.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Have you read answers 1-29??

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Wear What Fits.

32. What kept you sane?

Khalil. My sister. Having some solid friendships.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Fancy???

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I don’t know.

35. Who did you miss?

Again, see above. Or go here.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Carisma.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.

What doesn’t kill  you may not, in fact, make you stronger.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I’d take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it’s nothing new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it’s turning blue, and you say…
“Sorry” like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I’m afraid…

~Timbaland and One Republic, Apologize