Busy

So. I didn’t say anything, for good reason, but I was going to do Blog 365. I didn’t say anything because my goal was to go a month of daily blogging (January) and then join and tell folks. But then I only made it 18 days, then it was 10 more days and a comment from my sister before I remembered… I have a blog?

The visit from Caleb and Ellie was wonderful. No surprise, I cried when they left. I love our apartment, I love my life with my husband and cat. I even love the quiet. But when they leave, it just feels too quiet. Too, too quiet. So I was sad.

I have some good pictures, but to be honest I bent a pin in my memory card slot and am very upset about it. I still have a working camera, but have barely picked it up because I’m so upset with myself for minorly damaging part of my camera. I couldn’t figure out how to get the memory card in (was I tired? deranged? I do not know.) and so I tried it all different ways and VOILA! bent pin. I had to work hard not to cry but there were three children here and it just wasn’t the time.

So. Pictures will come. Ha ha. Maybe after Christmas pictures, or something. I don’t know.

I’m in a weird place. There’s tons going on and yet nothing at all. I don’t really want to yammer on about my weight, or my issues around food, because I feel like- what else can I say? I hate to exercise and have a hard time getting the eating under control. What more is there to say?

So. Silence. I don’t like the silence though, because blogging is therapeutic. And I need to do those kinds of things.

YEAH!

These two rugrats are coming tomorrow, for the weekend! We can’t wait.

This rugrat is equally excited:

My New Job

From Oceans Eleven:

Danny, to Tess, about Terry:

“Does he make you laugh?:

Tess, in response:

“He doesn’t make me cry.”

One Small Step for Paige

When you go work at a place, and there’s a gym there, that you don’t have to pay to join, and you can work out on your lunch hour?

There’s really no excuse for not exercising.

Today I did. 20 minutes on the elliptical (previously known in these parts as the elliptihell, but I’m trying to stay positive here). I went to go do some “ab work” ha ha ha. I laid down on the ground, stayed there for a few minutes, and decided that getting up from that position was enough ab work. To be fair *cough, cough* I did just do yogalates last night, and my ab muscles are still screaming. Less insistently than they did last week, but still. Screaming.

I’m pretty proud. The eating, it is getting there, especially during the week. Weekends, as always, are where my biggest challenges lie. (weekends, and right after I get home from work.)

I’m just taking it one decision at a time. A friend of mine who has been around this block a few times had suggested that a long time ago, before I was ready to hear it. I was all about losing huge amounts of weight, and she told me to take it one choice at a time. Try to eat healthy for lunch, if you want to eat crap for dinner, well, that’s at dinner time. When you get to dinner, try to make good choices there. And so on. The same goes for exercising. I’ll exercise today, and if I don’t tomorrow, that’s my choice. Then when I get to tomorrow, try to make that good choice. One choice, one decision, one step at a time, makes the road seem much less overwhelming. I can handle one choice. I can honestly not handle the idea of changing my whole lifestyle or going on a diet. I can handle the idea of trying to make one small choice at a time, and seeing where it gets me.

We shall see.

Other Rewards

I’m leaving in a minute for yogalates.

There’s no chocolate cake in the house to reward myself with. I guess I’ll have to find something else. Perhaps… the joy of knowing I made a good decision for myself by going?

Ha. That’s very very funny.

Sunday Night

Sunday nights when I hate my job are notoriously bad: Khalil and I both cranky, no one wanting to go to work. It doesn’t make sense to ruin those last few minutes of “freedom” but nonetheless, it is inevitable. These days, I like my job, so I’m a bit more relaxed and not dreading the next morning. Khalil may have the day off tomorrow, they’re predicting some snow around here. He’s excited about that.

When I worked at my last job, sometimes they closed. I’m pretty sure that we don’t have that option at this job, so I’m looking down the tubes of going in no matter what. That’s new for me. Even before, if they didn’t close, if you didn’t go in it was kind of expected and not a big surprise.

It kind of stinks. I liked snow days.

Abigail Catherine. Pretty cute, huh?

Baby.

Busy smooshing baby, kissing her, and getting her to fall asleep on my chest three seconds before I have to pee. Really bad. That’s happened twice now.

Realizing more and more that I’m coming to peace with the idea of putting IVF off for a while and focusing on adoption. Babies, or kids of some sort will come to us and we’ll have a family. One day, hopefully, we’ll have children that are creations of Khalil and I. But all will happen at exactly the right time, even if that time is not rightnow.  

Tyra, Tyra, Tyra

Hoo boy. She got an earful from me this morning. Now I need to go get ready for work.

http://tyrashow.warnerbros.com/beontheshow/mom_wannabe.html

But before I do, I just want to say- I so wish she would do a show on infertility: educating and supporting. Instead, she’s do a judgemental show with people telling women struggling with infertility that it’s time to stop. Lovely.

To see babies!

Well, one at least.

I’m going this weekend to see my good friend’s baby girl, Abby. I can’t wait. She’ll be lucky if she can wrangle her from me all weekend. I leave tomorrow after work for a breeze of a drive- only 6.5 or 7 hours. No biggie.

So worth it though. Time with a good friend, smooshing her baby. All will be good.

Choice

I was talking the other night to a friend who has struggled with infertility. She went on to adopt, and has never had biological children.

Khalil and I still hope to try for bio kids, but are at the point right now where *now* might not be that time. We’ve always wanted to adopt, but it seems that our Master Plan of bio then adopting may be flip flopping. We’ll see, there’s still time, etc.

The thing that gets me, though is this: the lack of choice. I’m frustrated by the fact that neither of us chose this. I’m thrilled to adopt, or something, at some point. The end of the road is that it is in Khalil and I to be parents, to parent, to grow our family. One way or another.

I just wish we could have had all the options we wanted. I wish we never had to deal with infertility. I wish that money wasn’t an issue when it comes to infertility treatments. I wish that we were never faced with choices like: What’s going to have to wait an extra three years? A kid or a house?

I hear all the time that it’s not fair that we’ve not been able to get pregnant. My mom started telling me, maybe when I was five, that life isn’t fair. It’s also not about deserving. You can deserve something all you want, you may not get it. It can be the most fair thing in the world, it may not come your way. That is even more so true when it comes to parenting. There is no fair, or deserving. 14 year old girls getting pregnant isn’t fair. Neither is it fair when women who are using drugs get pregnant. For the seventh time.

But this is life, not a kindergarten game. More and more I learn, that you have to let go of fair and deserving. Sure, I get angry. I’ve shed my fair share of tears over it’s not fair and we don’t deserve this. But I have to let it be. I also hope that there’s a grand plan out there. That things will be just the way they are supposed to be, whether I think that is fair or not. When Khalil and I adopt, that will be the child that is meant to be ours. When we get pregnant, it will be at that time for a reason.

None of it’s easy though. I am still sad about the loss of choice. The loss of the ability to say, “Hey! Want to have a kid?” and have that actually happen. There’s much to be said about letting go in this whole process, though.