What started me blogging in the first place

I still get hits from searches for fat girls want to be cute all. the. time. 

I wrote a post on it once, the pain and tribulation of searching for cute clothes as a girl who is… not exactly skinny. 

The whole blog over here was started as my journey to lose weight, hence the name ‘less of paige’- I wanted there to physically be less of me. 

I went through alot of ups and downs. Most likely, my battle with food addiction and weight loss isn’t over. However, these days, it’s at a standstill. At some point last year, though, I made a decision. I was figuring out that many of the weight battles were, for me, control issues. I was a very ‘good girl’ growing up, and I think food, and eating whatever I wanted, was the one way I rebelled. My father hated that I overate. It comforted me. As I got older, I continue to be someone who generally likes to follow the rules. Even as an adult, food is one of the ways I rebel. 

I have been through a lot of ups and downs in my relationships both with food and my weight. I have fought them, I have worked with them, I have hated and loved both. I’ve eaten well and not, done crazy diets (hello, fasting every other day??), done reasonable non- diets (weight watchers, you ARE a diet no matter how much you try to say you are not), tried all different kinds of exercise. And not. Let it all go. Gorged on huge amounts of horrible food. 

Then I made a decision. The decision was: I’m not fighting anymore. At least for a while. Instead, I’m going to accept who I am. I’m going to love myself: inside and out. In order to not punish myself for being fat by eating, I’m going to start by accepting myself. Hopefully, eventually, I will love my body and myself enough to want to make healthy choices for it. Hopefully I will want to take better care of myself. Maybe I will remember that I feel so much better when I’m making good choices, and that it is indeed worth all the ’sacrifice’. 

Because what happens instead is that I get on “the wagon”, but my head is resisting all the way. I’m fighting myself with every bite, with every early morning to exercise. I love the results, but the process to get there is excruciating. So much so that I eventually give in, and when I do I get completely out of control. 

So how has it worked? Well. I’m not a size 8, or 10 even. But I’m not at my highest weight either. I try to recognize how certain foods make me feel, and if it’s icky, I try not to repeat that. I try to eat and enjoy fruits and veggies, but if it’s a fight, that’s ok too. I’m definitely not the healthiest person around, but I’m still working on accepting myself. I can look in a mirror and think I look pretty good. I can look at the fat and think, well, it’s who I am. It has to be ok, because right now I’m still not willing to put in a monumental effort to change it. I sometimes make healthy choices of my own desire to do so. I’ll order a salad, I’ll choose fruit, I’ll drink some water. I’ll walk a little. 

And that is the direction I want to keep heading. I don’t get upset that I don’t fit into smaller clothes. Instead, I focus on finding what I can in my size that is cute. And it’s there, it’s just harder to find sometimes. I’m ok with the fact that for me, this is going to be a long process. Telling myself I’m good just the way I am- that is not easy all the time, and it’s a change to try it. So I have to let myself have the ups and downs. Knowing that, eventually, I really will want to take care of myself. 

I wanted to recognize that this is where this blog came from. Right now I feel like I’m only writing about one thing, and when I go to write, she is on my mind, but there are still other things in my life, other things about me that I want to share. I won’t write about food, and weight all the time. Because it’s not something I battle. Just like I used to write about infertility all the time, and right now not so much. I guess it’s life- you fight certain things at certain times, and then those things get overshadowed or die down. And so we work them through to the point we get to, and leave it, and come back to it. 

So that is where I came from. Where am I going? Only time will tell.