Progress

Yesterday I did about ten things on my List. Today It’s only 10am, I am still in PJs, and I have done 4 things already! Look at me go. It’s a good measure to remember that everyday there are things I do that I love. How many people don’t get to do that. My life is good. 

Aaaand good even though I’m still fat. Ha. Good thing I did all that work on loving myself no matter what size, right? RIGHT? I got a gym membership and have gone 3 times. If I don’t start going I have to cancel it, per my own requirement. I’m working really hard to save money. I feel like the gym is a good use of money, but only if I actually go to the gym. So, we shall see about that. 

Did I ever mention how much I hate dieting? And how my attempts to diet are already… fading away quickly? 

I wish there were other ways to get skinny healthy.

20 Things

I went to a training today. While it was mostly a huge waste of my time, one thing that I heard, I think during the keynote, was a suggestion I’d like to attempt. 

She said to make a list of 20 things you love to do. And then try and do at least 10 of them every single day. She said (she is a comedian) that she does 18 every day, 19 if her husband (when he was alive) wasn’t too tired. Ha. 

So here goes my list, and I’m going to start small by doing 5-10 every single day, shooting for as many as I can. Maybe this will motivate me a little more to sit on the couch less? Even though couch sitting may be one thing? Let’s see:

1. Drinking coffee

2. Spending time on the computer in the morning. 

3. Taking pictures

4. Writing/ blogging

5. Sex

6. Eating ice cream

7. Wearing comfy clothes

8. Spending some time curled on the couch wrapped in a comfy blanket

9. Reading

10. Cross-stitch

11. Puzzles

12. Talking to friends

13. Talking to my sister or mom

14.  Hanging out with Khalil

15. Cuddling/ playing with Rory

16. Laughing

17. Eat something yummy

18. Browse photography websites

19. Baking

20. I am open to ideas… I’m stuck on the last one!

Time to Regroup

For… quite a while now, I’ve been outwardly said that I wish Khalil and I could crawl into a cave and regroup. I wish that we could just… live. Do our routines. Go through each day. Not have people die. Not decide to take care of 15 year old foster children who are a mess. 

In the past three years we have: started trying to have children. Started infertility testing. Found out the only way to have babies of our own is IVF. A costly venture. 

Learned that my father was sick. Learned that my grandmother had brain tumors. Taken care of both of them. Watched them die. Planned and gone to funerals. Tried to grieve for them. 

Khalil is at his second job in the past three years, third job in four years. I’m at my third job in three years. 

Started a photography business. Khalil’s trying to get his writing up and going. 

what is wrong with us?? 

I do fine if I think of life day to day. I’m actually pretty in love with my life as it is right now. When I look at the future I get… antsy. I love my husband. I love my job. I love the job I’m trying to do. I love my family, my cat, even my apartment. I love where I am, right now. 

I start getting antsy, though. I look around at people with houses, kids, and think that I should want and need those things. I forget to appreciate the many, many blessings that surround me each day. I forget that for some people, just having a roof over their  head, or one job in the family, or one car would be… a miracle. I get greedy. I forget to cherish what I have, I feel like I want more. A house. Different cars. Babies. 

When I sit still, when I really let myself think about it, I come to a conclusion. I do not want more. I don’t need more. I want to love what I have wholeheartedly. It’s not a cave we are in, but a life we are in. I need to live this life, and continue to love it- but every day- instead of looking ahead at what might be better later. 

Of course I want more. If you don’t want more you stand still, and that’s not good either. It’s not good to have no goals, no motivation in life. But it is also not good to not let yourself breathe. Not ok to ignore the blessings, the fortune, that you have today, because you are wondering how it can be better tomorrow. 

This year is our time to come back together. It’s our time when, God willing, knock on wood, whatever, we are free of crisis, of chaos, of drama, of grief. It’s time for Khalil and I to be us, and to live. To remember who we are individually and find out more about who we are individually. To lay more of the groundwork for the future without forgetting how stunningly precious today is. 

That is what I want to say. Today is precious. Amazingly so. I want to try and remember that instead of wondering about a today that is 365 tomorrows away.

Sucky

Coming back from vacation, going back on a diet, and being overwhelmed at not one but two jobs can be a little much. 

It’s 7:30. My husband is dutifully getting dinner ready and eating is the only thing I can think about right now. I know by next Monday, I will be hungry but not so hungry that I feel like I might snacking on the computer. I focus on that instead of asking him ten million times: is it ready now? how about now? not now? when? are you ever going to feed me???  That would make him nuts. 

So instead I focus on next week. And focus on trying to remember to take things one step at a time. 

I made it through my entire day- well, mostly- on an upbeat note. Being back at work was good. Then it started to unravel. Slowly at first, and then the end of my day went downhill fast. It could have been far worse, don’t get me wrong, but still. It’s not fun to feel so at odds with a parent I am working with. To want to help her see her child like I do, while completely understanding her inability to do so, having been there. 

Getting home and working at my second job. Facing the frustrations of working two jobs to try and start a business. It all crashed down on me at once. Making decisions that involve your own money, but aren’t making you any money… yet. Deciding if you love this enough to really put all this blood, sweat, and tears into it. And then, when you crash on the couch for serious TV time… you only have one 1/2 hour show to watch! 

But dinner will be ready soon enough, my stomach and head will quit complaining from sugar and alcohol withdrawal, and my night will get better. I’ll remind myself one step at a time, on all fronts. 

That’s the way, I suppose.

Vacation!

We spent this past weekend (well Sunday into Monday night) at a local casino where a band we love was playing. We stayed overnight and had a great time!

 

On the Road

We took off and as I was taking pictures of Khalil (I have about 100 of him in this pose) he started stopping and starting the car so I would get a blurry picture. Hmph. 

 

Khalil, driving

I am very excited to be going on vacation!

 

Me

Here we are!

 

We have arrived!

There are no pictures of the concert, or of the awesome night we had- we had a great steak dinner, went to the concert, LOVED it, and then hung out drinking in the casino. We closed down the bars (sadly, they close at 12:30am on Sunday nights) and then went to bed. Dragged ourselves up this morning for breakfast, which was yummy, and then I took a few more pics before we headed home. 

 

Flowers

It took me a while to get the waterfall picture, but I finally was happy with the one I got. 

 

Waterfall

Khalil waited patiently for me while I took some pictures:

 

Waiting more or less patiently

On our way home:

 

Time to leave, had a great time!

Meh. Blah.

There’s been so much to say, and so little time to say it. Things to say about life, new businesses, weight, dieting, her, time… there is no time. 

I have time on the weekends, it is mostly taken up by trying to start a new business. On weeknights, after work, I am tired. Worn out. I do some work with my partner, and look longingly at my couch. Stay off the computer if I need a break and need some time on the couch. 

I want to talk about work. I used to talk about work alot here, when I was working in foster care. I do have things to say about working in foster care and then being a foster parent, but that’s not what I want to say today. 

I work with kids in a school for kids who have emotional, social, behavioral difficulties. I love my kids. I am half clinician and half nurturer for them. I work with many kids who are ages 16-18 right now, all boys. This group, I have a very special place for in my heart. 

One of my kids came to me in session today and told me something that happened to him. It reminded me of how vulnerable our kids, even 18 year old boys are. We think that boys are all hard edges and tough stuff. Snails and puppy dog tails, you know? As it turns out, boys are full of soft, sweet fluffing. They just learn to cover it all up with the hard edges. Things happen to them that bother them, and they don’t have the outlets that girls do to process and work through things. We brush things under the rug with our boys. I am making sweeping generalizations here, I know. But things are what they are, too, a majority of the time. 

It breaks my heart when a boy feels like he has to act like nothing happened when the truth of the matter is, he was hurt, and something did happen. 

It breaks my heart when there’s nothing I can do about it but listen. Take what happened in, and maybe, on some level, feel some of his pain for him when he can’t feel it.