Category Archive

When you go work at a place, and there’s a gym there, that you don’t have to pay to join, and you can work out on your lunch hour?

There’s really no excuse for not exercising.

Today I did. 20 minutes on the elliptical (previously known in these parts as the elliptihell, but I’m trying to stay positive here). I went to go do some “ab work” ha ha ha. I laid down on the ground, stayed there for a few minutes, and decided that getting up from that position was enough ab work. To be fair *cough, cough* I did just do yogalates last night, and my ab muscles are still screaming. Less insistently than they did last week, but still. Screaming.

I’m pretty proud. The eating, it is getting there, especially during the week. Weekends, as always, are where my biggest challenges lie. (weekends, and right after I get home from work.)

I’m just taking it one decision at a time. A friend of mine who has been around this block a few times had suggested that a long time ago, before I was ready to hear it. I was all about losing huge amounts of weight, and she told me to take it one choice at a time. Try to eat healthy for lunch, if you want to eat crap for dinner, well, that’s at dinner time. When you get to dinner, try to make good choices there. And so on. The same goes for exercising. I’ll exercise today, and if I don’t tomorrow, that’s my choice. Then when I get to tomorrow, try to make that good choice. One choice, one decision, one step at a time, makes the road seem much less overwhelming. I can handle one choice. I can honestly not handle the idea of changing my whole lifestyle or going on a diet. I can handle the idea of trying to make one small choice at a time, and seeing where it gets me.

We shall see.

I’m leaving in a minute for yogalates.

There’s no chocolate cake in the house to reward myself with. I guess I’ll have to find something else. Perhaps… the joy of knowing I made a good decision for myself by going?

Ha. That’s very very funny.

We watched We Are Marshall tonight. Highly recommended for those nights when you just want to cry, but can’t get anything to make you cry?? This movie will take care of that for you in a jiffy. Best line? “Grief is messy”.

I did good today. I actually make good food choices all. day. long. Huh. Weird. I keep reminding myself that I can eat crap if I want to. I know this sounds weird, I do. But I have found that if I tell myself I can’t, if I take away my choice, I end up wanting to rebel. If I ask myself to please make the better choice, but hey, if you really want it, the other one is there and go for it… well, hopefully I will make baby steps towards the better choices, every day.

The new WW tag line is “diets don’t work. WW does.” I get all pissy and defensive every time I see their stupid commercial. WW failed for me I failed WW three times. I beg to differ. It is a diet, like it or not. It works for some, but someone help me out here- do the words at the bottom of all their success stories still say results not typical?

So far, I’m liking baby steps. Much less pressure.

Wow. I find when I blog every day I have way less to say. Huh.

Yes, I do resolutions every year. I generally keep about half of them.

This year, I am only making one:

To do at least one thing that takes care of and respects me each day.

This past year has been a  year of woeful neglect of myself. I have spent so much time either taking care of others or just trying to keep my head above water, that any semblance of caring for myself has gone out the window.

I’m going to be honest. When I think of taking care of myself, I honestly get overwhelmed. I think it’s because I tend to think of it as all or nothing. Either I’m exercising, and eating well, and drinking water, and shaving my legs regularly, and taking time for myself OR I am not exercising, drinking soda, eating crap, and just in general not taking any time for myself.

My goal this year is to not make it all or nothing. It is to do two things, I suppose: To make decisions under the umbrella of self-respect, and to make a conscious decision every day to do at least one thing that is taking care of me. And hopefully, in time, the other things will begin to fall into place.

I’ve already started. Today, I tried eating more fruits and veggies. Yesterday, I started this book, by this guy, who is a “Dr” and who wrote about weight loss. I am liking it already, more of that to come.

So. I started out at 199. (you know- one. nine. nine.?) Then, two weeks later, I had not really done anything, had made a very half-assed effort at eating well and exercising, the whole shebang. I felt sorry for myself- poor me! Dad died! Grandma died! I’m fat and my clothes don’t fit! I must eat more!!

 So I did. Then last week I decided to get up off of my ass and do something about it. I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself. Let me clarify: I did not say stop the grieving process. I am still grieving. I am still sad. But I am not eating my feelings. I’m not using grief and all it’s associated feelings as an excuse to eat whatever the hell I want all the time, as much of it as I want, and sit on the couch all the time.

I got on the scale on Monday, the first day of my fourth attempt to lose weight. (ah, that’s a FUN sentence to write.) The scale laughed at me. It said “hahaha!! Look at that loser, you gained SIX pounds in the past two weeks!” (I gain weight VERY easily, I think. Or that’s just an excuse and everyone gains six pounds in two weeks.) I was up to a solid two. zero. five.

However, I made some much better choices. I didn’t let the scale or my feelings dictate how I ate. I am following the old diabetic exchange, but pretty loosely. I’m doing it a little lower carb and a little less regimented, but with the same basic outline. I am exercising, but I’m alternating videos (the Firm) and walking. The goal is to not get sick of what I’m doing. I’m already sick of eggbeaters, but that’s another story.

So. Monday I got on the scale- it didn’t laugh as hard. It told me that I had lost 2.8 pounds, down to 102.8.

It’s a start at least.  A move in the right direction. Have things been perfect? No. However, they are better. I’m finally making decent choices. I’m loving myself enough to make the good choices. Huh.

Those were the three numbers that showed up on my scale on Monday. In that order. Last time I stepped on a scale, it was a bit closer to… 18something. 3? 5? I have gained at least fifteen pounds. In approximately two months. That’s by far the fastest I’ve ever gained, I think at least. I certainly don’t question that I gained it. I am the Queen of Eating Crap and Not Exercising.

When I mentioned to Khalil how much weight I’ve gained, he said, “Hon?” and I said, “What?” He said, “It’s ok”. And I have to believe him. Am I sad? Yes. Am I frustrated? Yes. Do I have to let all of that go and focus on what I have to do? Yes.

I’m frustrated with myself. I hate the way my body looks. I’m still trying to squeeze my 1 9 9 body into my 1 8 3 clothes. The result is not cute. I do not recommend it. I had to pull out the big tub and pull out some of my 1 9 9 clothes. That was sad, frustrating, and a wee bit… humiliating? I didn’t do it in front of anyone, but still feel humiliated. I put those clothes away with the plans to never pull them out again unless I was losing baby weight. Instead I’m losing stress and baby weight. Which royally sucks.

I hate the way my body feels. I have a distinct recollection of not having all of this extra fat on my body. I remember when I had more energy. I remember not feeling this way. I remember not cringing when I looked in the mirror. Those feelings aren’t far away because time wise, it was only about a month and a half to two months ago when I felt that way. I remember being frustrated about gaining a little weight over Christmas. About not being able to get under 181. Now I’m back at almost 200.

Here’s the thing. In order to not feel my feelings, I’m still eating them. Also, I’m doing this in part because I just don’t yet feel like I have the energy to make the good food choices. So I’m still making the crappy food choices. Go me. Every time I’m presented with the option, I make a crappy choice. Choice A: (somewhat less crappy) sausage and peppers and onions, on a small roll, two slices of cheese. Apple. Small bag of chips. Choice B: (seriously more crappy) Quarter pounder with cheese, fries, diet coke, chocolate shake. What do you think I chose yesterday? B. Why? For the simple reason that I felt like it. And I couldn’t bear to deny myself food. Not yet. I feel so sad, so overwhelmed, so frustrated with everything else that I cannot. deny. myself. food.

On the upswing, I have been exercising. I have worked out the last three days in a row. I’m tired, and having a hard time getting through the workouts. But I’m pushing through. Making this positive choice, the choice to do something really and truly good for me feels oh-so-good. It feels right. It makes me happy. Then I enter the rest of my day. And that feeling fades away into the stress, sadness, and being overwhelmed.

I know that I will get there. I have no doubt that I will be back to the place where I can make positive choices about food. Where I can deny myself the negative choices and remind myself that I’m worth the better choices. And that what feels like self-denial is really self-praise, because it means that I’m loving myself enough to make the positive choices. In the meantime, I shall cross my fingers that the exercise helps, and I’ll give myself a little extra room and forgiveness. I will know that I will get there, and that time will be soon. It’s coming.

The Wendy’s Grilled Chicken Sandwich (ultimate grill). No sides. An apple I brought with me. Water.

I exercised this morning. At 5 am. To be at work at 7:15am.

I did not “eat my feelings” (for lack of a more cheezy phrase) all weekend. I was disciplined, imagine that!

Not eating the Moose Munch.