Yesterday I got called out for not being “rah-rah” at work. It kind of stung. I’m big on morale, and at my last job I took initiative to come up with morale-building activities for staff meetings. This year for some reason has been harder. Everyone is feeling it, but part of my job is to be positive. 

Yesterday I sucked at it. 

So I decided today was Good Attitude Thursday. And for most of the day, it worked. I had a great attitude at work. I was positive, rolled with the punches, and ended up with a good day. I have plans for tomorrow- Positive Friday- but then I got home today. 

And it all kind of went kerfluey. The dog drove me nuts, then the cat did, then I was snipping at everyone. What happened? 

I think I used up all my Good Attitude. So tomorrow I will use the positive more judiciously, so I have some left for home, too.

Last time I returned to blogging, I had found a voice. 

This time, I feel like I’ve lost it. 

Photos will have to do. 

I had pumpkin spice creamer in my coffee. 

Refrained from eating too much chocolate at work. 

Had two travel mugs full of coffee. 

Spent almost an hour in a time out room with one of my kids. 

Got close to tears when one of my kids was having a really difficult day. 

Almost knocked an eye out when I got hit with a ball. 

Got really annoyed with some coworkers. 

Paid the bills. 

Talked to friends. 

Worked at two jobs, technically. 

Ate dinner three hours earlier than we usually do, at 6:00pm. 

Procrastinated editing. 

Watched So You Think You Can Dance, cried. 

Couldn’t think of anything else to blog about… this isn’t going well!

What to say, I think. 

There’s so much, and so little. Photography business taking root, new house, new puppy. Quit WW. Still working. 

There you have it. 

I’m out of practice composing blog posts in my head during the day. It feels like the stories have come and gone. Do I go back and tell them? Or just move forward? I don’t know. 

We’ll see if I remember, but here’s to giving NaBloPoMo a shot again. Better get one up before midnight, wouldn’t want to miss the first day of the year!

Mm-hmm. 

I started Weight Watchers again. AGAIN. Like, for the, well let’s not talk about how many times. I REALLY like that Getting Started book, let’s just leave it at that. 

I just wasn’t feeling right. I’m still not. I feel uncomfortable in my body, in my skin. I don’t feel spry, and it’s just… everything is harder. Amazingly, looking in mirrors still sometimes surprises me. It’s like… oh. Hmm. That fat girl. Yeah. 

So, I went back. I have a friend who went back, and I thought we could do it together. Ish. She lives too far to really do it together. But we have text support. 

My first two days I didn’t do the diet. I tracked all my points, just to see. I ate normal days, didn’t go crazy in a “last weekend” kind of way. I ate at least double what I should be eating in those days. Nice little hint to myself about how I got as fat as I did… So sad. 

I lost a pound my first week. Not only was Khalil gone, so I missed him, but I was also in charge of my own lunches and dinners. And I haven’t done too bad. I have to say. 

But when I was sitting in the meeting, pondering my pound, so many thoughts came up. I kept trying to tell myself that slow and steady wins the race. But I couldn’t help but do some math. Like, 1 pound a week for a year puts me 52 pounds lighter. Which is AWESOME. But which is… heavier than I was at my wedding 5 years ago, last time I did WW. It makes me so sad, thinking about all the weight I’ve gained in five years. Over FIFTY pounds. Seriously. That’s just… sad. It makes me think of wasted time, makes me regret how hard it is for me to make good choices. 

This time, hopefully, I’m picking myself up and dusting myself off. Trying to be excited about the small success, and also keep the big picture in mind- a healthier me. A me that is comfortable in her own skin. And maybe a wee bit cuter.

So… 

Who are YOU rooting for from So You Think You Can Dance?

Me? I’m hoping Melissa takes the whole thing. If not Melissa, then Kayla. Anyone else and I will be very, very sad.

Sorry. I apparently forgot I have a blog, or two… or three. 

My sister has been persistent in reminding me. So today, instead of editing pictures, I’m blogging. Anything to procrastinate! 

I can’t believe it’s been almost four months since I blogged. Lazy girl. 

What’s been going on? 

When Khalil and I were in the three or so year roller coaster of our lives that included multiple illnesses, deaths,  job transitions, teenage foster children, etc; I would often make a wish. I wished that we could climb off the roller coaster of chaos and drama, hunker down in a cave for a while, and just be us. Just do our thing: go to work, come home. Go on dates, hang out. Watch TV, be bored. 

Bored. 

I asked for a year of it, at minimum. 

We’re about seven months in. Boredom has never been so heavenly. We are more or less drama-free. We are chaos and crisis free. I’m scared to say it for fear that I will jinx it, but there you have it. We go to work, come home. Cook dinner. Bicker about… the garbage. Cuddle on the couch. Play games with friends. It’s lovely. 

We aren’t bored. Well- we don’t have drama and chaos. Both of us are working, but both of us have these dreams we’re after right now. It’s lovely having the time and energy to actually go after them. Khalil has been writing and working on a website and hoping and dreaming that one day he’ll get a paying position in the toy/ comic book industry. Or writing. Preferably both. I’m taking pictures, all the times- at weddings. People are paying us. It’s crazy, scary, nervewracking, and SO exciting. 

That’s where we’ve been. I am going to try and blog more. Shannon, I’m sorry it’s not more interesting, and you know it all already! But it’s where we’re at.

Easter used to look very different for me. Maybe it will go back someday, I don’t know. We used to get up, do an egg hunt, look for baskets. Eat a yummy breakfast, then go to church. Come home and have a huge family lunch/ dinner late in the afternoon. Lots of family. Lots of getting dressed up. 

This year was… much more low key, shall we say? 

Rory, the night before Easter

 I spent most of the morning on the couch, and watched Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium. A horribly corny movie which I adore and always makes me cry. I went outside for a little nature photo shoot. 

Spring is on it's way

Forsythia's in bloom again

More spring

Is this actually asparagus? Can anyone tell me?

Easter Cat

Caileigh gloating over landing on Free Parking for the 18th time...

Brian telling me to Stop It Already

Khalil telling me to Seriously Stop It Already with the camera...

Us. Happy even though Easter is different these days...

Lemon-Blueberry Bundt Cakes

The day was almost perfect. Would I have loved to see some more people? Of course. I always would. I saw Ellie and Caleb and my sister on the computer this morning. I talked to my mom. I got my family, we are figuring out new ways for some of this and I know we will see each other at another holiday. The day was still perfect, until I ran out of an ingredient when making the cakes and had to go to FIVE stores to get it. That was annoying. 

But at the end of the day, eating cake and Easter candy for dinner, having each other… it’s pretty perfect. I can’t complain.

Yesterday I did about ten things on my List. Today It’s only 10am, I am still in PJs, and I have done 4 things already! Look at me go. It’s a good measure to remember that everyday there are things I do that I love. How many people don’t get to do that. My life is good. 

Aaaand good even though I’m still fat. Ha. Good thing I did all that work on loving myself no matter what size, right? RIGHT? I got a gym membership and have gone 3 times. If I don’t start going I have to cancel it, per my own requirement. I’m working really hard to save money. I feel like the gym is a good use of money, but only if I actually go to the gym. So, we shall see about that. 

Did I ever mention how much I hate dieting? And how my attempts to diet are already… fading away quickly? 

I wish there were other ways to get skinny healthy.